It's been almost 2 weeks since I last talked to him. It's been almost two weeks since my friends also moved away. Almost two weeks since I talk to a friend from long ago. Since then I've felt a little more sullen than usual, but no one knows. No one can ever know.
I don't know why I do all the things I do. I've never really understood that part of myself. I present the exterior of not caring about any one's opinions, but I've never been able to let myself crumble and fall to pieces in front of others. Even now, when things feel like they are at their worst I am still unable to show that part of myself.
Everyday I sit in a room; I sometimes walk the streets; I sometimes go to clubs, sometimes to events. None of it changes anything in the turmoil I feel everyday. I am always alone, even in a sea of strangers I am still so alone. Whether it was intentional, or maybe just by happenstance, all my friends have deserted me. Here, now in my hour of need, when I am drowning and struggling to breathe and desperately trying to find something or someone to anchor me... there is no one. No friends. No family.
Without distractions, I end up here again, in this room. Without distractions, I've got nothing to take my attention away from the pain, the anguish, and the voice. "End it..." It's a faint echo, but audible nonetheless. "You know how to end it..."
I'm at my wits end. The events that occurred 7 months ago started me on this downward spiral. I've done everything I could, haven't I? I reached out to my loved ones, but no one reached back. I tried to just snap out of it, but I couldn't deceive myself. I've been self-medicating but the pills take away the pain, but not the memories.
If there were such a thing as God, I'd pray that someone would save me... because I'm so close to the end, and I don't know what to do.
